Original oxymorons

For those who know me, it's not a secret that most people get on my nerves. I am a people person, but still have my limits and prefer small groups over large crowds.
When I see someone, in person or otherwise, performing a case of 'monkey see, monkey do', I wonder how long that someone waited to rule out whether or not that person's friends would approve or not, before proceeding. I also wonder if that person felt the need to do exactly as someone else, just because. I know I have been guilty of it, but I eventually grew up.
As sad as I sometimes find all of this, it's equally sad when people who claim to be original are often the total opposite, after weeding out said original person's shiny and new exterior.
This also applies to people with die hard political associations who never stray from those beliefs, regardless of how ridiculous and/or unattainable those beliefs may be.
No matter how hard we try, we can't all be originals for every minute of the day. Simply put, it's not possible.
Most of what we think has been thought before. If we looked hard enough or researched long enough, we would find that somewhere in the world, someone has actually lived out our thoughts.
You can back unions, but you will still need corporations for one thing or another. You can back corporations, but you would be sadly disappointed by calling a CEO if your house is on fire.
You can call yourself a rebel, but rebels come in all shapes and forms, especially as the world becomes a much smaller place due to advancements in technology for radio, television, internet and cell phones.
While formats can and will become outdated, there indeed are some which have yet to be outdone in quality.
As you poke fun at common name brands, realize that your product of little recognition is being sold by a major department store, be it in a mall or on a website.
The list of examples can go on forever, but the ultimate moral of the story is this: More often than we care to admit, we are what we decry. We can't help it. Being human and having humility will sometimes mix like oil and water. We open a can of laughter and spill a good amount of it on ourselves, because we deserved it and that's what fate handed us. That's just the way it is.
So, did this article upset you? If so, I did my job as an unworthy freak.
However, the point is not that we just stop doing everything, simply because most of what we do has been done before. It's that we realize how dorky we often are for thinking that we are somehow better than most other people.
I am me and you are you. Let's continue to be the best 'us' that we can. It's how we all get along and get by in this crazy, oxymoron of a life.

Interruption of peace

The past few days have not been good. Plenty has been on my mind, enough that I have lost sleep over it all.

September 7 made one year ago that I took Jack to the emergency room and he was admitted to the hospital.

September 11 made 10 years ago that our nation was attacked by a rogue piece of shit who took what should be good about religion and contorted it to a sick degree of mental imprisonment for millions, plenty who are struggling with it to this very second.

September 12 is Jack's birthday. Because of September 11, he never celebrated his birthday again. Because of having to go into the hospital, he certainly didn't celebrate it any better, on that day.

Also, I viewed one of the 'worthy widow' blogs. I was disheartened by what I read, rather than being annoyed or offended.

So, there are the 4 main topics which have been bothering me. We widows have a bad habit of quietly psycho-analyzing our past. We also have a bad habit of living in moments that made us and our better halves who we were, as a couple. Don't try to understand. It's simply not something you should worry about, if you're not one.

I do have to say that I am even more glad to not have become one of the 'worthy widows', though they have their blog and chat related grief support networks. It doesn't appear to working out too well for them, or so it seems. Truly, the one blog I read was sad. 

I said what I did about not judging others without having walked in their shoes, and I will do my best to live up to my own expectations. After all, it's the least I can do and still expect to be taken seriously, by anyone. However, it saddens me to know that there are people with friends, children, jobs, active social lives and even financial stability, who are still in such a tragic degree of pain that they are blinded by it. I know, deep down, that most of these people are deep within the trenches of post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, the diagnosis applies to many of us, and I am no exception. 

The biggest difference is that I am improving my life and making progress with what little mind I have left.

How I miss my mid to late 20s, though. I had my groove on like never in my life, and have yet to get that feeling back within me since. 

Perhaps one day, time and progress will allow me another shot at some form of success, beyond peace of mind. While that is my main goal, I don't want it to be the only one. But, if that is all life allows me to give myself, I will gladly take it. 

Breakthrough, part 2: My ears don't burn without a reason

I'm sure that my first installment of this post has people talking. After reading my post a few times, I can see why. This is not an attempt to roll back anything I said. This is to better elaborate a few points. Beyond this post, I will answer questions but will not do another post on the subject.
First of all, we have been conditioned from childhood to believe a lie. Marijuana is nature, and nature is how basically every medication is made. If you have a problem with the nature your god created, I don't know what to say, except for a suggestion that you read your bible.
Second: I miss working. I miss having that extra purpose of waking up, other than to watch programs I usually find boring, or listen to the same music repeatedly and the like. I miss the daily interaction. Work has rewards which exceed money and benefits. Not only do I remember them well, but I wish I could have them back. Speaking of back......
In April, 2001, I fell down my staircase (ALL the way down) into my basement. My ribs, shoulders, middle back, lumbar region, basically all of me, felt every hit from every step. One side of my hip is still larger than the other (Realize that this is more than ten years later).
I still cannot stand for more than 10 minutes without feeling severe discomfort that is well on its way toward annoying pain. Even with that pain, I also have Spinal Stenosis.....a condition in which parts, or all of the leg, or legs, will go numb.....and this is on top of the pain I already deal with. This happens while driving, has happened while walking, has hit at the moment of back injury, and has caused many a subsequent fall.
I am used to walking fast. Even with my condition(s), the urge to walk quickly is just there and always has been. I don't walk as fast as I did, when I got down here. I pay much more attention to what I do and how I do it. To a degree, it has helped. But, that creates limits on what I can do, because I am taking the risk of having no medication as a buffer.
You did read the last sentence correctly: The next time I have a fresh back injury, there will only be Neurontin to fall back on, and there is not enough to sustain me, should I have to begin taking it on a regular basis, again. There is no opiate related narcotic relief. For the past 3 years, I have been off of it and luckily, have not injured my back bad enough to need them....yet. Furthermore, Neurontin is only supposed to be good enough for nerve pain and that's off label use. I ignore more pain than I address.
So, incase you think I am collecting disability because I am lazy, do think much further. On top of that, feel free to take on the knowledge of my psychiatrist, who has 18 years of medical school behind him (and the proof of 2 MRI results, on my back). Moreover, a family of 3 spends more on groceries than my disability check, per month. If you think you can live like this, go right ahead and try. I will be waiting and laughing my ass off, when you return my responsibilities to me.
Don't be afraid to ask questions. I did say that I am not going to lie and while I would prefer not to revisit this subject, I will still answer questions if they are presented with reason and without tired, stereotypical rhetoric.
The reason I conclude that there is a lot to be said for medical marijuana is because there is legitimate medicinal properties to the stuff. There is actual pain relief, there is a calming 'effect' not related to getting high (thus, eliminating the need for Trileptal), though I still get to deal with panic attacks. I can't do anything about those, once they start. In fact, no one can.
There is a huge difference between anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I should not be doing your homework for you, but these can be crippling. There are witnesses to what mine are like and everyone of them will tell you that they have never seen an attack like these. My heart rate is not affected, but my fingers draw inward until they touch. You can pull them apart, but they literally slap right back together, as soon as you let go of them. The attacks are that severe. Before my diagnosis, 2 paramedics saw what happened (as did a restaurant full of customers). Even the paramedics knew this was nasty.
I understand, very well, that taking the "Physician heal thyself' approach can be incredibly dangerous. I am removing the safety net, which has been there for at least a decade and in some situations, almost 2 decades. I would be lying if I said I were not apprehensive about even trying this. I took 3 weeks and pondered most possibilities, should something bad happen. I did my research, read testimonials (taken with proper grains of salt, obviously) and took into account that it could possibly be overstated, as well as under appreciated. To me, the risks outweigh the side effects of all that medicine I stuffed down my throat, day after day, year after year. Enough, already.
All indicators (In other words, my own living proof) are that this is a better solution and for now, that solution is a reality. But, don't worry; If this solution becomes a bust, you will be among the first to know about it.
From here, feel free to ask your questions. If they are not related to common rhetoric, I will gladly answer them. But, if I feel you are using them to a political angle, I will trash you big time, in the next post. Count on it.
Don't pretend to know how someone's feet are feeling, until you have walked at least a mile in their shoes.

Breakthrough: A BIG ONE

I can now openly state, for the first time, that I am now safely off all 3 prescription medications that I was taking upon my arrival, here in Florida.
First medication I began taking, way back in October, 1994, was Xanax and while there is no cure for Panic Disorder, I am now willing to try using a VERY SMALL amount of Valium, only as needed. This does mean that the odds of a panic attack happening will heavily increase, but I don't really care. I grew tired of being a slave to medication and that includes what I take for pain....which, by the way, is not an opiate or synthetic, therein. What I took for that is called Neurontin. I began taking it in December, 2000. My physician replaced it with opiates, in February, 2001, and there were several. I eventually ended up on OxyContin from several back injuries and the pain from nerve damage. After 4 years, my doctor also included Lyrica. I had to discontinue that, because I was swollen all over, from it. I quickly went back to Neurontin, because there was so much of it left, from when I was originally taking it. The pain is still there, just not as much because I am far more careful with myself, these days.
Last and absolutely not least, perhaps the most important medication of the past 9 years and 11 months, Trileptal. This is what I took, in place of an antidepressant, because all of what I took either didn't work or I ended up receiving too much side effect, not enough medicinal and/or mental and/or physical benefit.
Before anyone can begin thinking this was all a fake: No, it never was. Some of us have a much harder time adjusting in the world than others, and that's just the way it is. We end up fighting within ourselves, and become our own worst enemies as the consequence of not directing attention to the problem, soon enough.
There are ways to survive, and I am learning all about it with each passing day. Every day will not be an adventure, nor will every day be a success. I don't expect that. What I DO expect, however, is more out of myself than what happened with my 30s, which was wasting them to a world of medications for partial benefit.
Incase you're wondering if I am now taking anything over the counter, the answer is no.
What I AM taking, however, is advantage of a very small amount of medical marijuana. You don't have to agree with it, but ask yourself if you really think I could have safely removed myself from those other medications on blind faith and will power, alone. If you need assistance with the answer, try this: HELL NO!
There is A LOT to be said about medical marijuana, because there is absolutely no way the regular, cheap and compressed garbage from Mexico would yield this kind of benefit to me. I have no idea what else I can say about the fact that I'm successfully using it, except that I am NOT using it to just get high. Seriously, this shit is WAY too expensive to use, in that manner. Also, the 'buzz' I always got from the other stuff is not the same. Truly, there is a revolution going on, in that world. I would dearly love to be a fly on the wall, just to see what all these growers are doing to create such.....dare I say it...works of art, such as what is now available for use.
I tell you, everyone, this is as real as it gets for me...at least for now. I am thinking much more clearly. I am now beginning to sleep better. I am not getting stuck on just one thought or staying hyped on just one particular subject, as I used to do. So, if this is all in my head, fine...I will gladly take it. Something about clarity of the soul, I don't know....this is interesting.
I do have to say that I specifically asked for supervision, from my 2 room mates (One is a lifelong friend, and the other a very dear friend of almost 15 years), while this transition has taken place. To my knowledge, they have only voiced concern to me on 2 or possibly 3 occasions. Thus far, that has been the only concern. So far, so damn good. I am happy, even if you are not. Time and success willing, I might even try being happy for you, when you're not.
Never put anything past me, for I am nothing more than a middle aged man with absolutely nothing to lose, except my last breath.

August, 1991: What a trip!

I do recall stating that I would devote a post to the subject of LSD, and that post begins, now....

If you feel that drugs are not one of the most, if not THE most crucial influences in the lives of most forms of entertainment, I want you to do me a big favor.....throw away every single bit of recorded music, every painting, every movie and every book you own. You should also throw away every product made or influenced by Apple (this means your iPod, iPhone, and iPad). THAT is how much of a role drugs have influenced and inspired most artists of the past century, and this century could certainly use it, especially in average recorded music. I wish most of these hacks from American Idol, and the like, would take SOMETHING. They desparately need it.

The first time I did LSD, I was 15. I was a little apprehensive, but everyone else was doing it (yes, I know about the scenario of "If everyone else was jumping off a river bridge, would you?"....I know of plenty who did just that, and I did not. Thank you very much.). Anyway, I took my 1/3 of a hit of LSD, as everyone else did. That was all we could afford, between the 6 of us. Originally, it didn't seem as if anything was going to happen but suddenly, color began to seem more vivid, thoughts more profound, philosophy contained more depth and the degree of laughter was immeasurable. I LOVED IT!!!

I did not dose again until 1988, when the availability of LSD began to flood the area of where I lived. It was a mountain of discovery, philosophy, fun, inspiration came freely, all good music had much more depth and sex under that influence was truly incredible. I was not hooked on the drug, itself. I was hooked on what it began to do FOR me...and in spite of what would happen only 3 years later, I indulged to a great degree.

MTV was much more fun to watch, parties were even MORE fun, what was already funny was roll on the floor hilarious, and heart to heart conversations were had with more mental connection. If you did not do LSD, you can't fully understand what I'm saying. And then, it all changed.

In August, 1991, everything awesome about LSD came to an abrupt end. One evening, I purchased 5 hits from a mutual acquaintance and took 2 of them, before leaving. Within approximately 4 hours, I began to have what is known as a 'bad trip'. What all began to happen within my mind and body is something I can't put to words, no matter how hard I try. All that I CAN say is that I had what is commonly referred to as an 'out of body experience'.....and it is one of the most horrifying sensations I have ever dealt with. For the next several days, I spoke only of what had happened. But, everything I tried to explain to others made absolutely no sense. Don't get me wrong; The people I attempted to explain this to were the same ones I tripped with, on a regular basis. But, because none of them had been hit with a bad trip, AND since I couldn't explain what happened, it just didn't register...with ANYONE. I felt completely alone and knew one thing, for an absolute fact: I could never, EVER, do LSD again. Twenty years later, and to this day, I have not.

I miss having that degree of fun. I miss the indepth conversations, the overwhelming laughter, the inspiration I received from it, as well as overall positives from every nuance, by way of it. But, risking an absolute meltdown, from another bad trip, would certainly mean me being institutionalized and that is something I am simply not willing to do.

I had my fun. I had my inspiration. I had my youth, with typical ignorant fearlessness, and those are the days in which most people benefit from LSD.....until the day comes when someone wants to alter it where there could be other benefits, which are already known. Every experience on LSD is different. That's the beauty of it, same as any other drug. That's also the curse and again, same as any other drug. But, there's something special about LSD. See the examples, below. If these examples don't make my point for me, nothing will.


From paintings......

to musicians that changed how we hear music, and will continue inspiring musicians for generations to come....

to events which introduced new instruments (Moog organ, new stage microphones, etc), new artists and entire new cultures.....

and book authors who changed people's lives, entirely.....

 

Even the software you're now using to view this post, since Bill Gates forgot to trademark it, in the 1980s.....

Goodbye, Tennessee! Hello, Florida!

Back in July, after finding out the hard way that the tombstone company was getting away with legally stealing from me, and discovering I would have to sell something from my estate which I never wanted to sell, I decided that I would leave Knoxville, as soon as logically possible. But, as we know, logic will not always follow a physical act.....
Before leaving Knoxville, I had planned to renew the year decal on my license plate, get with my insurance company to see if anything additional information needed to be given before temporarily transferring to a new location, get the front and rear tires switched on the vehicle (front tires are much too bald, on the corners from not having them rotated and balanced, when Jack was in the hospital), front end alignent, etc. July 21 was supposed to be the day I left Knoxville, to stay with 2 very close friends in Pensacola, Florida. Instead, I woke up around 3:15 AM, on the morning of July 20, and was rather disgusted with the fact that I had not slept, yet again, for more than a couple of hours. Had my coffee, then sat and watched some local news. Once that was over, I made a quick breakfast. After that, I sat back down and began putting my list together on what loose ends needed to be tied, before leaving the following day. I began losing concentration, thinking about so many things from the past 4 years that had brought me down to such a low point, what all had caused me to age so terribly, what all had brought my mind to the point where I should not have been able to take my dosage of meds down to the bare minimum (but somehow, it managed to happen), wondering just how numb my mind had become, or if any of the aforementioned played a part in taking me to where I had ended up, or not.
As I continued sitting in my recliner, pondering the bombardment of questions, something in the back of my mind kept inching and budging its way up toward the front. In the beginning of the bombardment, I wasn't aware of what the intrusion was. For a short while beyond the beginning, I still didn't know, because question after question began cropping out spots of my mind. As always, I had allowed my mind to address and/or entertain the scenarios behind questions about my life, be it about the past or the present. The drawback to be doing that is how my mind will almost always end up neglecting what is truly important, because my mind suddenly became occupied from entertaining and/or addressing the past or present. That day is when a change came about.
It was not very long before the unknown something, from the back of my mind, had inched beyond halfway through my mind, and was fast approaching the front. Little by little, the phrase, "GET OUT. GET OUT, NOW!!" began shouting to me, from a distance, though getting louder with each 'scream out' of the phrase, as the passing of time began to fly, and it often does.
By 10:45 AM, the phrase was at the peak of volume and urgency: "GET OUT! GET OUT, NOW!!!!" And, when the shout of that phrase was close enough to the front of my mind, all I could no longer think about what loose ends needed to be tied up, what last minute items needed to be addressed, or even washing the skillet and plate that I used for breakfast.
I stopped just short of jumping out of my chair, and began angrily cramming everything from that room into one bag, after another. I found one of the workers in housekeeping and asked if she wanted a perfectly good 32 inch color television for $20. She called her son to bring the money to her, and he arrived within 15 minutes. Away it went. Had I been thinking any better, I could have sold my recliner for around the same price....a $1200.00 La-Z-Boy recliner, albeit quite an oldie, but in near perfect condition, despite a minimal amount of discoloration along the very front. Since the idea of thinking had left the building, I told the lady in housekeeping to either take it home, or find someone who would, because it was simply too nice to end up in a dumpster. To my knowledge, it was taken.
Suffice to say, I ignored every single loose end that I should have tied up, I ignored doing anything and everything to my vehicle, simply filled up the gas tank and hit Interstate 40/75 around 12:45 PM, to leave Knoxville.
My biggest regret of leaving the state with such a degree of urgency was, is, and always will be the fact that I did not pay a visit to Jack's grave to at least say 'goodbye', in person, ask for blessings as I began my journey south, clean any weeds around the tombstone, then leave. I still feel bad about not making that detour, but I can't turn back the clock.
Once I hit the interstate to head south for Florida, I only made one stop for the entire trip and that was only to refill the gas tank. That took all of less than 10 minutes, and I was back on the interstate, again. Keep in mind that I don't own a GPS, I did not use a map or atlas, and I still pulled into the apartment complex of my destination at 8:00 PM, Central time....just as the sun disappeared from the sky, for the evening. I had my moments of fear, while driving down here....fears about a tire blowing out, fears about a possible coolant leak and/or the oil pump quitting on me, etc, just the average vehicle stuff which us adults over 25 years old begin to think about, while travelling. But, I made it here without a single problem. If there was ever a time when I KNOW Jack was closely watching over me, it was on July 20, 2011. Other than the occassional fear, I went through my route down here as if the vehicle was brand new and drove fast enough that the front tires caused most of the vehicle to slightly jitter. Did I care, at the time (at least for 95% of it)? Hell no. Would I do that, again? Probably not, but then again, I'm not sure because I haven't been presented with that situation again, yet....I would prefer not to ever be presented with a message from the back of my mind that loudly, again, or at least for a very long time.
Within a few days after my arrival, all of who I know in the area came together and took me to the beach for a few hours. Though I was tired beyond belief, I had a wonderful time at the beach, surrounded by 2 people I have known since childhood, and another whom I have known for 15 years. That beach trip, in my opinion, was the ice breaker to my new beginning of life, chapter 2. It was time to happen, I have been through more than enough hell, and I will remember that day at the beach as long as my memory will allow me to recall how good it felt to make a toast, with all involved, to a new beginning.
I still don't know, 100%, if I will be living here or not. What I do know, 100%, is that I will not live in Tennessee, again....at least not in Knoxville. For now, Pensacola is being an incredibly welcoming community and I have already met a few people here. I have a feeling I will like it, here. I hope the feeling will continue. This is now 23 moves in 25 years. My body and mind are so tired, but I am so ready to begin filling up the last half of my life with good memories, great friends, laughter to echo through my mind, peace and happiness, and love for all.
So, here is a repeat of the post title and I mean it: Goodbye, Tennessee! Hello, Florida!

Matters of faith and matters of fact

This is not a post to trash the faith(s) of others. This is not a way, whatsoever, to persuade anyone to think or feel any different than what they already do, about their personal beliefs. So, before this even begins, do keep that in mind.
For those whose faith has served them, be it a well serving or not, I want to say how happy I am that it has done so. It may also surprise you to know that I would probably be one of the first to congratulate you, in person, with the utmost sincerity, for your faith having done so. But, that is where it ends.
I will not try and create a big enough shit storm to cause a wailing unto me, from others, when speaking of why my faith in matters of religion are DOA.
Being Agnostic is: The perception that one cannot prove, OR DISPROVE, the existence of god.
Those of you in America who are reading this: Our constitution, and most of our founding fathers, were indeed Agnostic. It rakes my nerves to hear ignorant people say that god is in the constitution and/or that this country was founded on christian principles. I will say it, quickly: Neither of the those are correct. In fact, the pilgrims who came here did so because they were ready to pursue freedom from Great Brittain, where they faced religious persecution. That is the truth, and you can research for further truth all you want, but if your research involves a credible source, you will not find a further explanation of why anyone, other than possibly Christopher Columbus, ever came here and stole this land from the legitimate and genuine Native Americans.
Little by little, ever since the REAL principle of beginning a new nation became a reality, there are instances which are forever a black eye in the face of what freedoms are supposed to exist, here, the Salem Witch Trials being the very first example that comes to mind. If we want to look further, you can research with little effort and discover how the proactive pursuit and persecution of Jews, Catholics, Buddhists, Hindus (and thesedays, especially Muslims) have been a true embarassment to  amendment number one, of the constitution. It was wrong then, and it is wrong now.
There are those who go through life following the teachings of their faith, closely. For them, I am thankful. For them, and for plenty of you, you represent how it SHOULD be. But understand (and I think this is unfortunate) that you represent the minority. I wish that were not true, but it is.
I wouldn't be surprised if people have convinced themselves that I have no faith in religion because of what all I have written, in this blog, but people would only be partially correct. I grew up in a church, I put my faith in god from a very early age, I confessed by faith for baptism at age 12, and around that age is where the trouble began.
Before you can say something along the lines of, "Well, you should have had enough sense to look through the narrow minded comments of your congregation", and other possible things such as that, realize that THIS, unfortunately, is the MAJORITY (spoken or not) of opinion of people within a church and within christianity. Don't believe me? Go to a few churches, coast to coast, ask members at random how they feel about homosexuality, same sex marriage, and other matters which involve an open mind....but also involve a scripture stating, "Of all these commandments, the greatest is love". I know it's in Romans, but I will not bother looking up chapter and verse. You can do that, on your own. People simply do not seem to get what the teachings of jesus christ are truly about; They are about love, respect, charity (Yes, CHARITY), humility and forgiveness. Those seem to be the hardest things for people to follow. And yes, I am more than aware that many of you are already saying to yourselves, "This is why he died for our sins.".....You know what? Don't even give me that, because it does not take much to at least TRY and follow those teachings, which occured prior to crucifiction. It can be done, probably easier than a great deal within the bible. In fact, I think people break every rule within the ten commandments far more easily than they go against the teachings of jesus christ. I know that this is my opinion, but think about it for a bit.
As for having the faith of a mustard seed: As I said in the beginning of this post, I am glad that your faith has served you well. But as a matter of fact, the only thing a mustard seed has ever done for me is ensure that the taste of a hot dog would improve. But by all means, keep the faith if it works for you. Somehow, I will be just fine. I have made it this far. I will continue to do so.
Peace and love to all, from Paul