Sunday, November 13, 2011

Assessment on recovery, so far

I have now been in Pensacola for close to 4 months. In that time, I have accomplished absolutely nothing. When it comes to the goal of living at half speed, I have met it.
My mind needed much more than just a distraction. It needed to relax, because it had long forgotten how. I can't say that I am finished with accomplishing nothing, though it's not what I really want. I am more than aware of how counterproductive and unpopular this stance is, but prior to my accomplishment, no one else was in my head and felt the need to install a fly swatter and smash the infestation of flying thoughts. 
Medication was no longer working. It was not the medicine's fault. The fault was mine. As far as I can tell, this is the point of mind over matter became a harsh reality.
When everything that represents mortar in your life busts to pieces, it leaves you in the same condition as the mortar. Everyone reacts and copes differently. Too many people look at others who have little trouble bouncing back and say to themselves, "If it were me, I would have done the same thing.", when the fact is that they don't have the first clue what they would do, since it hasn't happened to them and I don't want to use the word 'yet', but it fits. The sentiment is admiration, rather than inspiration, and we often confuse the two rather easily. I am proud to know that I have been both to a few, and one or the other to a few others. All I can do is hope that no one would waste their time lying to me about it, so I carry a small degree of pride in the knowledge that I made a difference in someone's life.
There was a time when life worked very well. When I found the love of my life, things fell into place. We worked like hell and played even harder. It was not unusual to wake up before the alarm clock went off. It was not unusual to have coffee, go out for breakfast, and still arrive to work earlier than the others. It was not unusual to take the dogs to a kennel, put suitcases into the vehicle, and head straight to a weekend vacation spot, from the parking lot of the workplace. It was also not unusual to come back home around midnight, lose a little sleep, then spend the following week catching up. Because we were a well oiled machine, it was easy.
When your routine is in order and working properly, you don't even notice nuances like what I have mentioned. You don't notice because they are that routine for you, and the routine works. When that routine becomes interrupted hard enough, you will be forced to inventory and compartmentalize what is what. If something is not crucial and in your face, you will automatically file it in the back of your mind. The drawback is how the back of your mind becomes bogged down from so much filing, back there. At that point, inertia kicks in.
When it is imperative that your biggest achievement be surviving another day without breaking down, without suicidal thoughts and/or images that haunt you, much of what you could otherwise be doing with your life has to be sacrificed for the greater good of simple survival. This is a tool I have had to learn as I go. On the outside, it does not seem as if I have been busy, but I have. I have been very busy surviving another day without breaking down, and without suicidal images and/or haunting thoughts. Believe it or not, this is something new to me. I truly am surprised that I have achieved this. But, the only way I could do that is by taking the emotion known as 'sadness', and mentally shutting that switch off. I did not want to do that, but I am now glad that I did. It certainly does not mean that the switch never turns back on and I have a few blog posts to prove it. But, the average tears and sadness that a person goes through is something I couldn't deal with anymore and expect to be happy. When that changes, you will know. If there is one thing you all know about me, it's that I have a serious problem keeping my exterior to myself.
The biggest drawback is having had a few panic attacks, which has caused some Agoraphobia to return. This is also part of inertia, sadly. At the same time, I'll take Agoraphobia over suicidal thoughts and crying spells. I just can't deal with that, anymore. It was sucking the life out of me. There will eventually be a better balance to my life, but it will take time. Waiting is always the hardest part of achievement.
Have faith in me. Somehow, someway, I will be okay. 
Peace and love to all.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

No title

This is to let the readers know that my mind has decided to take a break. It's not writer's block. It's exhaustion. Nothing is wrong (at least nothing, in particular), so there is no real need to worry.

Over the past few years, I have dealt with more than what most see in a few decades. It makes me no better, but it has left me mentally fatigued. I wake up, have my coffee, mind begins to wander, then begins to dramatically slow down. It has left me with little to think about, but thoughts are still swimming around (and they always are).

Several changes have happened, since this blog began. Not only is it almost a year ago that I became a widow, but also there are life altering investments on behalf of one of my roommates, which will see him into a good future, financially and with real satisfaction.

Things are beginning to look up, but the climb is tiring me. I haven't pulled for anyone other than Jack in a very long time, and the way I am effected/affected by what happens with my roommates is still something new that I am wrestling with. I know the mental investment has been worth it. Time can be such a pain in the ass.

Anyway, just wanted to check in with everyone and say hello. Don't give up on me. I'm not giving up on myself.