Saturday, December 24, 2011

Thoughts and wishes

The easiest way to tackle this post is by addressing the obvious, first:

If I had one wish, it would be to wake up tomorrow with Jack by my side, even if we had nothing.
As much love as I have for my family, and though nothing will change that, this year has been one for me to remember. They have made it clear (whether or not they realize it) that they have clear definitions on what happiness and success mean....and I don't meet the criteria.
So, as much as I would love to be with them to see my grand niece and grand nephew open their presents, there will hopefully be other times. I know how cold this sounds, but know that I have had my share of that same treatment and will leave details out of it. This year, I will simply have to love them from a distance and hope that this does not become the tradition that I never wanted to happen, let alone continue.

My thoughts for this holiday season:

What I hope people will begin to do is understand that while they complained about how long they had to wait for their $100 Honey Baked Ham, there were families counting change to see if there is enough for a special dinner. While some complained about the results of their decorations, others stayed awake in a shelter to make sure their children slept safely. While some gave their children brand new cars and homes, others sold their soul to the devil just to see a brighter future for themselves and their families.

What I hope people will do is begin to look around and see the world of suffering, sacrifice and anguish beyond their own back yard.
What I hope people will do is begin to think for themselves and leave one sided opinions behind.

The whole truth can never be had by a television show, a radio or internet broadcast, or by reading only one book. The whole truth can only be had when people open their hearts, their minds, and begin to see the whole picture, then realize that the earth does not just revolve around them. It revolves around all of us.

Thank your God for what you have, but pray that your God will one day help those who have lost everything but somehow, for whatever reason, still worship the same God as you.

Blessings to all. May your hearts and minds open up to the whole truth, and very soon.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Temporary insanity

Yesterday (December 18) made one year ago that I took Jack's urn and placed it down in his grave, with my own two hands. After the graveside 'service' ended, I received the typical hugs and fake support from his family (since none of mine bothered to come).
Today, for some reason, the depression is worse than usual. While I am not suicidal, I am very angry about plenty of plenty of things, and resentful of a lot of people. As far as I'm concerned, those I resent have earned it and then some.
After making it clear enough that my life is not exactly stable, after making it clear that I am broke as hell, after making it more than clear enough that the holiday season basically means nothing to me, things are still flying over the heads of people who should be wise enough to pay attention, but are not. It almost seems as that I should no longer bother to even try explaining anything to these people any further, because I am close enough to being blue in the face from trying.
I still don't comprehend grief. I still don't get what it means to emotionally break down and release what is now a cancer on my soul. I still don't know how people are able to do that, then move on so well. It just doesn't make sense to me.
What I am probably the most tired of is those who assume that all I do is sit here, chain smoke, eat snake cakes and fuck around on Facebook all day long. I am writing just as hard as I can go, when the ideas come to mind. I am doing what I can to try and get noticed by the right people, so I can begin to make a living for myself. But, I am a true non conformist. People like me don't just get hired. People like me have to go out of our way to get noticed by the right people, hope that who noticed us is willing to take a chance on us, and if the chance pans out, off we go with success. Otherwise, there are LOTS of us who become hardcore drug addicts, existing mental issues become even worse, some commit suicide (Nope, I am not), end up homeless, some become psychotic and take it out on everyone not responsible, and hurt far too many people in the process of attempting to get revenge on a system which rejected them from the beginning.
I am not special. I am just stubborn, and am hellbent on doing things MY way. I will reiterate from my previous post: If it means I have to slum it on ramen noodles while living in a storage unit, just to do things MY way, so damn be it.
I am not looking for respect, but wouldn't mind it. I don't demand respect, but I don't go out of my way to disrespect others who did nothing to ask for it.
I feel that this country (America) rewards the wrong people, and for the worst kind of behavior. I think that our country has headed in a direction of complete extremes, and those in the middle are beyond tired of it.
I don't side with the liberals, so I'm called a trator. I don't side with the conservatives, so I'm called a liberal. What the hell happened to people using their heads and thinking for themselves?
We have been repeatedly warned what would happen if we did not begin putting both sides of the political aisle in check, but here we are again....stuck in the same rut we have been in, many times before. Will we EVER learn from history, or is it going to continue repeating itself?
Either way, this was not mainly meant to be political. I strayed from the original subject. My apologies for that.
Depression has set in. Today, it's really bad. I have taken my medication, and it has done nothing to help. I have a bad feeling that trying to visit my family this year would be an exercise in extreme futility. I just don't feel the holiday spirit, anymore. My heart, while it tries as hard as possible to reach out, has blackened. My soul is less than half of what it used to be, unless I see someone I care about being personally attacked and/or hurt enough that they don't know how to properly reach out. My mind is looking for every reason not to shut down, and I am going well out of my way to try and avoid it. I hope I can prevent it. My roommates don't need this, in their already hectic and difficult lives.
I know that most of this is temporary, but damn.....I am so sick of dealing with this mental baggage. But, I may as well get used to it. This is how I was born, and it simply reared its head with age.
Since your god wont save me, I hope someone's will. I can only do so much, by myself.
Today, I am truly lost.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The changing of my own rules

There is so much about me that my friends and readers do understand, but perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough and I only have myself to blame for that. Moreover, this is a day which apparently needed to happen. On that, here goes a rant:

I am an old school, somewhat politically progressive man who just so happens to be a free thinker. I don't just talk. If enough comes my way, good AND/or bad, that talk will become action at lightning speed, and with laser focused anger.
My thoughts are not always productive, but my words have had a knack for connecting with people.
Those words, unfortunately, have not made me one thin dime while others gladly ran with those words and cashed in with them. The prestige of name recognition is a great thing and I will take what I can get, for now. But, prestige does nothing for a vehicle which has not left the parking lot of this apartment complex since my arrival, on July 20. It also pays no bills, puts no groceries on the table, nor does it help my roommates with THEIR bills, which I have tried my damndest to help with, as much as possible....and it just isn't enough.
With all of this in mind, I give the following declarations (Manifesto? Call it what you this point, I truly don't give a fuck):

There will be no more free words for your flow of profit. If it means shutting this entire blog down, removing myself from various Facebook pages and making my profile 100% privite, in order to enforce this declaration, so be it.

I am more than tired of seeing people with no morals or shame give hope to me, in the hopes that I will continue to produce more freebies, and never receive anything but the 'Attaboy', in return.

I am NOT a marionette or anyone's slave. I will be my own person, even if it means taking my own life just to remain free.....and before you take that wrong, NO: I am not suicidal. I'm just madder than hell, and for several reasons.

I will be creating a company name, and I will be creating a Paypal account.

I will begin keeping my original thoughts and phrases under lock and key, and the rest will be password protected.

If it requires that I sell my entire estate just to pay for copyrights to all of my own original material, while I slum it off of ramen noodles in a storage unit until the right person takes my work seriously and begins to pay me for what comes from MY mind, and from MY keyboard, then that's a decision I am willing to live with.

The past few years have been a mental whirlwind, but the past year has been a learning experience that I MUST keep into mind.
December 9 made one year ago that I became a widow, and here I sit at the apartment of 2 very dear friends who need their privacy and space, just as much as anyone.....and I am now getting in the way of it.
Thanks to my mind freezing up, and thanks to me attempting to jump at opportunities, thanks to constant critique from a family who has made the majority of their living from the Department of Defense (and I don't, so I'm nobody), I have become quite depressed yet again.

While I should know better than to let the words and actions of others get me down, I am only human. I can only take so much of people not being able to take a damn good look in the mirror at their own hypocrisy and understand that they wouldn't have a pot to piss in without selling their soul to someone or something, somewhere way back when.
Forgive me (or not....don't care which) for refusing to conform, but I am my own person.
I march to my own drum. I think and write as I god damn well please and from now on, if someone wants to use any of my ideas, they will pay me for them.

To reiterate, in case it applies to you: YOUR FREE FUCKING RIDE IS OVER. PAY UP, OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.

Forgive the rant, but I have also had to conclude that I think better and ideas flow easier when I'm depressed. I don't like it. But, it seems that with so many other shitty aspects in my life, this is the hand I was dealt and on that, I plan to play.....and one way or another, I AM going to win......with or without you in it.

Good day. Peace and love to all, I suppose.
If you can find either, please throw me a map.