Temporary insanity

Yesterday (December 18) made one year ago that I took Jack's urn and placed it down in his grave, with my own two hands. After the graveside 'service' ended, I received the typical hugs and fake support from his family (since none of mine bothered to come).
Today, for some reason, the depression is worse than usual. While I am not suicidal, I am very angry about plenty of plenty of things, and resentful of a lot of people. As far as I'm concerned, those I resent have earned it and then some.
After making it clear enough that my life is not exactly stable, after making it clear that I am broke as hell, after making it more than clear enough that the holiday season basically means nothing to me, things are still flying over the heads of people who should be wise enough to pay attention, but are not. It almost seems as that I should no longer bother to even try explaining anything to these people any further, because I am close enough to being blue in the face from trying.
I still don't comprehend grief. I still don't get what it means to emotionally break down and release what is now a cancer on my soul. I still don't know how people are able to do that, then move on so well. It just doesn't make sense to me.
What I am probably the most tired of is those who assume that all I do is sit here, chain smoke, eat snake cakes and fuck around on Facebook all day long. I am writing just as hard as I can go, when the ideas come to mind. I am doing what I can to try and get noticed by the right people, so I can begin to make a living for myself. But, I am a true non conformist. People like me don't just get hired. People like me have to go out of our way to get noticed by the right people, hope that who noticed us is willing to take a chance on us, and if the chance pans out, off we go with success. Otherwise, there are LOTS of us who become hardcore drug addicts, existing mental issues become even worse, some commit suicide (Nope, I am not), end up homeless, some become psychotic and take it out on everyone not responsible, and hurt far too many people in the process of attempting to get revenge on a system which rejected them from the beginning.
I am not special. I am just stubborn, and am hellbent on doing things MY way. I will reiterate from my previous post: If it means I have to slum it on ramen noodles while living in a storage unit, just to do things MY way, so damn be it.
I am not looking for respect, but wouldn't mind it. I don't demand respect, but I don't go out of my way to disrespect others who did nothing to ask for it.
I feel that this country (America) rewards the wrong people, and for the worst kind of behavior. I think that our country has headed in a direction of complete extremes, and those in the middle are beyond tired of it.
I don't side with the liberals, so I'm called a trator. I don't side with the conservatives, so I'm called a liberal. What the hell happened to people using their heads and thinking for themselves?
We have been repeatedly warned what would happen if we did not begin putting both sides of the political aisle in check, but here we are again....stuck in the same rut we have been in, many times before. Will we EVER learn from history, or is it going to continue repeating itself?
Either way, this was not mainly meant to be political. I strayed from the original subject. My apologies for that.
Depression has set in. Today, it's really bad. I have taken my medication, and it has done nothing to help. I have a bad feeling that trying to visit my family this year would be an exercise in extreme futility. I just don't feel the holiday spirit, anymore. My heart, while it tries as hard as possible to reach out, has blackened. My soul is less than half of what it used to be, unless I see someone I care about being personally attacked and/or hurt enough that they don't know how to properly reach out. My mind is looking for every reason not to shut down, and I am going well out of my way to try and avoid it. I hope I can prevent it. My roommates don't need this, in their already hectic and difficult lives.
I know that most of this is temporary, but damn.....I am so sick of dealing with this mental baggage. But, I may as well get used to it. This is how I was born, and it simply reared its head with age.
Since your god wont save me, I hope someone's will. I can only do so much, by myself.
Today, I am truly lost.