Interruption of peace

The past few days have not been good. Plenty has been on my mind, enough that I have lost sleep over it all.

September 7 made one year ago that I took Jack to the emergency room and he was admitted to the hospital.

September 11 made 10 years ago that our nation was attacked by a rogue piece of shit who took what should be good about religion and contorted it to a sick degree of mental imprisonment for millions, plenty who are struggling with it to this very second.

September 12 is Jack's birthday. Because of September 11, he never celebrated his birthday again. Because of having to go into the hospital, he certainly didn't celebrate it any better, on that day.

Also, I viewed one of the 'worthy widow' blogs. I was disheartened by what I read, rather than being annoyed or offended.

So, there are the 4 main topics which have been bothering me. We widows have a bad habit of quietly psycho-analyzing our past. We also have a bad habit of living in moments that made us and our better halves who we were, as a couple. Don't try to understand. It's simply not something you should worry about, if you're not one.

I do have to say that I am even more glad to not have become one of the 'worthy widows', though they have their blog and chat related grief support networks. It doesn't appear to working out too well for them, or so it seems. Truly, the one blog I read was sad. 

I said what I did about not judging others without having walked in their shoes, and I will do my best to live up to my own expectations. After all, it's the least I can do and still expect to be taken seriously, by anyone. However, it saddens me to know that there are people with friends, children, jobs, active social lives and even financial stability, who are still in such a tragic degree of pain that they are blinded by it. I know, deep down, that most of these people are deep within the trenches of post traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, the diagnosis applies to many of us, and I am no exception. 

The biggest difference is that I am improving my life and making progress with what little mind I have left.

How I miss my mid to late 20s, though. I had my groove on like never in my life, and have yet to get that feeling back within me since. 

Perhaps one day, time and progress will allow me another shot at some form of success, beyond peace of mind. While that is my main goal, I don't want it to be the only one. But, if that is all life allows me to give myself, I will gladly take it.