Tuesday, February 12, 2013

So long, unworthy freak.

There are many reasons why I am closing this blog, but I will try and keep it simple.

This blog no longer serves me, nor does it represent who I am today.
When I started this blog, I was a mile deep in grief.
That is no longer the case.
There are several things I have learned over the past 2 years of having this blog, and I will share this information for those who may be able to benefit from it.

Grief can become your closest companion, if you let it.
Grief will charm its way into your life when you are at your lowest point.
It will take you places you'd never normally go, and you will willingly go there because it's very hard to argue with an emotion which seems to fit so well at the current time.
I fell deeply for grief, and allowed it to take over my life for much longer than it deserved to stay.
I allowed grief to drag me down and keep me there.
I learned from this huge mistake, but not until some damage had already been done.
People who haven't been in this position in their lives or relationships don't get it, but the truth is that they aren't supposed to get it.
It hasn't happened to them, so they shouldn't be expected to understand it.
Wisdom is hard to come by, during all stages of grief.
It's only after the grieving is done that we can reflect, learn, and grow from the experiences.
We are either wiser for the lessons, or we simply exist for the rest of our lives from numbness.

Having been back in my hometown for more than a year, I have a few things to say:

I no longer harbor ill wills toward the reasons why and how I ended up here.
I thought I would be 110% miserable here, but this is what really happened:
On the day I had finally made peace with my past and was getting ready to drive back up to Knoxville and quietly commit suicide to get myself out of my own way, a sign came up to me and began to speak.
That sign's name is Ron Scruggs.
March 21 will make one year that we've been together, and I'm still amazed at how fate worked itself out for me, as well as for us.
Folks, I am finally happy with my life and content with exactly who I am.
Moreover, life just keeps getting better because I chose to stay the course and work my way through my own issues, and having Ron in my life is the reward for not removing myself from the picture I was made to fit into, all along.

For the longest, I WAS an unworthy freak.
But for now and for the future, I am just as worthy as anyone else on this earth.
This blog no longer serves my purpose, and it's no longer a reflection of who I am today.
I will never say that every day is going to be successful, because that would be a lie.
But I will say that this third time at life appears to be a charm.
I will no longer allow negativity to dictate my days or nights.
From now on, my future is solely up to me.
Best of luck to everyone, even those I no longer associate with who still read this blog.
Life is worth living, and love is worth having.
Grief is a liar, a traitor, and only a temporary fix to a real problem worthy of a better solution for a brighter tomorrow.
Remember it.

Time to fly from this place I called misery.
Peace to all of you.

1 comment:

  1. Sam, I miss you so much. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but that is what loved ones do. I went to write an entry into my blog - one I should definitely be more active in, and this was on my front page. And it made me smile. Everyone saw a new and happier you than they were used to, and it made them happy. Anyway, I miss you buddy. xoxo