I have something to admit. Folks, when I put the first blog post together (meaning when I composed the blog, period), I tried to use the following web address: ramblinfreak.com
I was not allowed to use that address because it was already taken. It seems that now (or at least it appears that way), the person who first had rights to it no longer uses it. I was also going to name this blog the same way.
Since I was not allowed to use the address, I went back and changed the name (and was frustrated about it) to what it is, and has been since the beginning....and post #1 is still the most viewed out of everything I have put on this blog.
It's amazing to go back and read that post, just to remember the mindset I had, only 10 approximate weeks ago. I will still do what I said, which is go through the history of plenty that I have to say (and I will NOT lie about it), so please bear with my detours. What you are seeing with these detours, unfortunately, is the work of my mental disabilities rearing their ugly heads. I apologize for that, but I really can't help it. Anyway....
The man who DID own the domain name (or still might) is in the video clip, below. I have seen this man on television, MANY times and had no idea it was him until I actually looked at the search engine phrases which lead several readers here.
If you haven't seen this guy, watch the clip. It's informative, rather sad, a little frightening, but also takes you into a world which the average person doesn't understand. In fact, I barely understand it, myself. What I do understand, however, are the perils and 'politics' of addiction.
Addiction is addiction....whether it's gambling, drinking, eating pills, snorting coke, smoking meth and/or crack, etc etc, the vibe is mostly the same. Only a few results will vary. This is one of those results which did.
Introduce yourselves to Gregg Valentino, The Ramblin Freak.
**Gregg, if you read this, I hope you don't mind me using the clip. It's not the same as using YOU.
If you do mind, say something and I will gladly take the entire post down.
This is a blog of random thoughts and recollections of my personal history. This is not for those who are easily offended. My life is into the second chapter. Thank you for choosing to be a part of it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Bad name: Some southerners just wont learn
If you receive this blog via email, come to the site (ramblingfreak.com) and discover what it is I'm talking about. Otherwise, you'll never understand.
Leave it to a freak like me to remember things that other people either forgot, or wish they had.
Sadly, I remember hearing this song repeately, as a kid. I'm not going to say where, other than it wasn't my parents who had it.
I know this is old, because I'M getting old and I remember hearing it as a kid. For years, and I mean YEARS, I looked for this on YouTube and it wasn't on there.
Two days ago (April 10), sure enough, some asshole uploaded it. I knew it was just a matter of time.
Leave it to some fool who is VERY stuck in the past to bring shit like this into the present day, where it has no business being. But, lucky for all of you, you get to see why places like the southeast United States continues to receive a bad name....not because everyone thinks or believes this way. They don't. Instead, it's because some people just can't keep the past in the past where it belongs.
I was only the second person to 'view' the clip (audio only, but the photo says plenty about who posted it). Good luck stomaching the lyrics. After all these years, it's even harder to hear.
(*Update-The account holder associated with the original audio link was apparently thrown off of YouTube...gee..imagine that......So, I found another clip of the same audio)
Leave it to a freak like me to remember things that other people either forgot, or wish they had.
Sadly, I remember hearing this song repeately, as a kid. I'm not going to say where, other than it wasn't my parents who had it.
I know this is old, because I'M getting old and I remember hearing it as a kid. For years, and I mean YEARS, I looked for this on YouTube and it wasn't on there.
Two days ago (April 10), sure enough, some asshole uploaded it. I knew it was just a matter of time.
Leave it to some fool who is VERY stuck in the past to bring shit like this into the present day, where it has no business being. But, lucky for all of you, you get to see why places like the southeast United States continues to receive a bad name....not because everyone thinks or believes this way. They don't. Instead, it's because some people just can't keep the past in the past where it belongs.
I was only the second person to 'view' the clip (audio only, but the photo says plenty about who posted it). Good luck stomaching the lyrics. After all these years, it's even harder to hear.
(*Update-The account holder associated with the original audio link was apparently thrown off of YouTube...gee..imagine that......So, I found another clip of the same audio)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Can you relate?
Ever have a situation where you know you need to discuss it, in some way, but you also prefer not to go all the way with it? I'm not sure how far I will allow myself to take this, but here goes...
Yesterday, I visited a place of great importance to me. When I saw that what should have been at this place was not there, yet something else was, the first seconds of seeing it were sickening. Within a split second, the sickening and speechless feelings went straight into rage. The rage was to a point where I knew I couldn't stay at this very important place another second, and left immediately.
I drove entirely too fast away from this place, and hoped that a trip to the grocery store would calm me down. While shopping, I actually caught myself cursing toward the problem under my breath, yet where I knew others could hear it.
Think about that, for a minute. Has anyone seen a man or woman, by himself or herself, cursing at no one? Does anyone remember the first impression upon hearing it? Here is a refresher, just incase anyone forgot:
"Damn...he/she is crazy! I need to get away from him/her, and fast!!"
So, can you relate? How well do you really think you understand what's going on in my life, in my head, in my thoughts, and as I go through these often dark and unknown days?
Are you still there?
Yesterday, I visited a place of great importance to me. When I saw that what should have been at this place was not there, yet something else was, the first seconds of seeing it were sickening. Within a split second, the sickening and speechless feelings went straight into rage. The rage was to a point where I knew I couldn't stay at this very important place another second, and left immediately.
I drove entirely too fast away from this place, and hoped that a trip to the grocery store would calm me down. While shopping, I actually caught myself cursing toward the problem under my breath, yet where I knew others could hear it.
Think about that, for a minute. Has anyone seen a man or woman, by himself or herself, cursing at no one? Does anyone remember the first impression upon hearing it? Here is a refresher, just incase anyone forgot:
"Damn...he/she is crazy! I need to get away from him/her, and fast!!"
So, can you relate? How well do you really think you understand what's going on in my life, in my head, in my thoughts, and as I go through these often dark and unknown days?
Are you still there?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
For Kathleen
In a time like this, I wish words could mean something other than a flash before the eyes when someone writes them, and after you read them.
In a situation such as this, I wish time would actually heal wounds instead of creating a scab for the least thing to come along, remind you of the wound, and scrape the scab off again and again.
In the sorrow of your loss, at least realize that you're far from being alone and know how many of us are still grieving....and possibly always will.
In the nights when you're unable to rest, believe for a fact that somewhere, someone is suffering from the kind of pain that you are, even if it's in a different way.
In the knowledge that I'm without a clue of what it's like to lose one parent or both, try and accept these words from a man who lost the most important person in his entire life, 4 months ago to the day....and the pain is no less, the grief is far from over, and it's absurd to say I will ever get over what happened.
In the mostly carefree days of our youth, none of us ever considered how serious and cruel life would become within only a few decades.
In the harsh realities of the present, know that some of us have already lost a huge part of ourselves, for whatever reason and to whomever it may be.
In moments when you feel like you have truly lost your mind, remember how many of us are very much there and will gladly give remedial directions. Chances are, someone gave them to us.
Our thoughts remain with you, we love you, we are your friends, and we will always care how you feel from day to day.
Always know that there is someone you can reach out to, should you decide it's necessary.
All the very best to you, Kathleen, from a lifelong friend. <3
*UPDATE: Exactly one week after posting this, my father passed away
In a situation such as this, I wish time would actually heal wounds instead of creating a scab for the least thing to come along, remind you of the wound, and scrape the scab off again and again.
In the sorrow of your loss, at least realize that you're far from being alone and know how many of us are still grieving....and possibly always will.
In the nights when you're unable to rest, believe for a fact that somewhere, someone is suffering from the kind of pain that you are, even if it's in a different way.
In the knowledge that I'm without a clue of what it's like to lose one parent or both, try and accept these words from a man who lost the most important person in his entire life, 4 months ago to the day....and the pain is no less, the grief is far from over, and it's absurd to say I will ever get over what happened.
In the mostly carefree days of our youth, none of us ever considered how serious and cruel life would become within only a few decades.
In the harsh realities of the present, know that some of us have already lost a huge part of ourselves, for whatever reason and to whomever it may be.
In moments when you feel like you have truly lost your mind, remember how many of us are very much there and will gladly give remedial directions. Chances are, someone gave them to us.
Our thoughts remain with you, we love you, we are your friends, and we will always care how you feel from day to day.
Always know that there is someone you can reach out to, should you decide it's necessary.
All the very best to you, Kathleen, from a lifelong friend. <3
*UPDATE: Exactly one week after posting this, my father passed away
Friday, April 8, 2011
This is personal and I'm furious.
**As of one hour after posting this, the government shutdown was avoided by some speck of common sense, or maybe it was both parties tired of playing chicken. Either way, I still stand by what I say on this post.
Be forewarned that if you're a reader of this blog and a citizen of the United States who happens to be a hardcore Republican regardless of what is said by that side of the political fence, this post is going to piss you off.
Should you decide to read, and are pissed off enough to unsubscribe from this blog, so be it. If you are friends with me on Facebook and further decide to delete me from your list, then so be it on that one as well. The one thing I ask: If this turns out to be you and you DO delete me, don't even bother saying a word on your way out of my life because the matter I'm going to speak of is personal enough to affect the income of my parents, my brother, brother-in-law and sister, nephew and his wife (and 2 children), and plenty of others I happen to care about. So, if you feel like you need to remove yourself from my life, allow me to find out about it on my own. I don't EVEN want to hear it.
As I type this, our sorry excuse for a federal government cannot seem to come to a logical agreement on solving their differences, therefore closing in on a possible shutdown of our government effective midnight. Normally, I would post something for people to read in the morning. But, because of the importance to my family, this can't wait.
We have a spineless nutty professor as our president who could have easily bothered to have several executive orders drawn up and ready to sign, should a shutdown occur. Those executive orders could have meant a continuum of pay to our military at least, and include our retired federal employees such as my father at best. This seems to have been missed in some sort of memo, apparently.
Our president has pissed me off in many ways, over the past 2 1/2 years, but this one takes it over the top.
We also have a fundamentalist, evangelical jesus freak so-called christian right-wing bunch of nutjobs who are WAY more concerned about defunding Planned Parenthood than they are about providing a continuum of pay for our troops and people such as my father who is not only a Korean War vet, but also someone who spent more than 30 years of devotion to Department Of Defense, and is now wasting away in a nursing home with Alzheimers, only one leg left, and may or may not have one iota of a clue what's even going on around him. People like my father were the type who dealt with all the wild ideas from the Cold War era (things that we saw on the old James Bond movies), and the unspoken fears which kept people like him up at night. Their devotion should be more noted, and that's an understatement.
Honestly, I'm tired of both Democrats AND Republicans. But, I'll make it clear that I'm MORE THAN SICK of Republicans being run by the Tea Party. It's more than obvious that if the Tea Party leaders don't get what they want, exactly the way they want it, then our military AND our retired federal employees be damned and they'll settle for anarchy. THAT is what I see, THAT is what I hear and THAT is bullshit! If you're a member of the Tea Party and this is NOT how you think it should be, then I URGE you to reconsider what group you're a part of because they sure as hell DO NOT see eye to eye with you.
A very quick detour that I want to address is this 'birther' nonsense. Here is where I will swat that one down; Don't try and tell me that one black man managed to pull the wool over George W Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, the FBI and the CIA, combined, and managed to make it ALL the way to taking the oath of office to the most important job in this country. I easily call bullshit on that one. Now, back to the point(s).
About taxes being too high, yes....we, as average everyday citizens certainly DO pay too much, and so do small businesses. So, Tea Party, what in the hell are you doing supporting these corporations who not only didn't pay a dime in taxes, but in plenty of cases got a refund on the backs of people like yourselves and your hard earned tax revenues? Isn't this a great deal of what you supposedly are AGAINST? That's what you claimed, when your organization first got started! In fact, you claimed that you were against Democrats AND Republicans. Yet, here you are....holding people like John Boehner by the back of his hair like a bondage bitch, threatening him with his job if he doesn't walk the line, step by step, exactly as you say.
Seriously, what the fuck is up with that??? Last time I checked, slavery is OVER in this country and has been for close enough to 150 years. What part of Emancipation Proclamation don't you grasp?
But make sure of one thing, once again....I WILL NOT let Barack Obama off the hook in the matter of avoiding a shutdown, either. As previously stated, the spineless and thoughtless nutty professor could have EASILY had several executive orders drawn up and READY TO SIGN, in the event of a shutdown, and HE DID NOT DO IT. Not only is that inexcuseable, it's sorry as hell!
I saw an interview of an army wife, this evening. Her husband is in Afghanistan and they have 2 children. One of those children has digestive issues, and the formula for that one child is two hundred fifty dollars a month! Further expenditures would include diapers, food for the other child (and obviously for the mother), clothing, among plenty of other obviously overwhelming bills for a family who makes less than twenty five thousand dollars per year.
So, Democrats, Republicans, Tea Party, and any others I may have left out.....refer to the couple I mentioned, above. Want to try that? Want to step in their shoes and take on all of those responsibilities with the notion of you being slapped in the face by your own government?
How about my mother? At 75 years old, she has to pay a percentage for dad's stay at the nursing home, along with all the gas money to drive about an hour, each direction, to visit him (gas is currently closing in being four dollars a gallon), food, utility bills, clothing, visiting 2 great grandchildren as often as possible (because she deserves the right to do so) but that means just as much in gas because they live the same distance away from her house, but in a different direction from where my father is located, MEGA ETC......
Sit comfy in your easy chairs, people, and be DAMN thankful for those who previously made sacrafices for your ease of life, and for those who may have lost their lives in a foreign land, as you read this, over the same reason....and make DAMN sure that you NEVER salute me, but you make DAMN sure that you ALWAYS respect them!
Got a problem with my words? You know where the unsubscribe button is, and you also know where the delete button is on Facebook. For everyone else, I hope you will understand my rage and anger. This is a disgrace and I can't remember the last time I heard my mother complain. Today, I heard her complain and it made my blood boil. I will not apologize.
Be forewarned that if you're a reader of this blog and a citizen of the United States who happens to be a hardcore Republican regardless of what is said by that side of the political fence, this post is going to piss you off.
Should you decide to read, and are pissed off enough to unsubscribe from this blog, so be it. If you are friends with me on Facebook and further decide to delete me from your list, then so be it on that one as well. The one thing I ask: If this turns out to be you and you DO delete me, don't even bother saying a word on your way out of my life because the matter I'm going to speak of is personal enough to affect the income of my parents, my brother, brother-in-law and sister, nephew and his wife (and 2 children), and plenty of others I happen to care about. So, if you feel like you need to remove yourself from my life, allow me to find out about it on my own. I don't EVEN want to hear it.
As I type this, our sorry excuse for a federal government cannot seem to come to a logical agreement on solving their differences, therefore closing in on a possible shutdown of our government effective midnight. Normally, I would post something for people to read in the morning. But, because of the importance to my family, this can't wait.
We have a spineless nutty professor as our president who could have easily bothered to have several executive orders drawn up and ready to sign, should a shutdown occur. Those executive orders could have meant a continuum of pay to our military at least, and include our retired federal employees such as my father at best. This seems to have been missed in some sort of memo, apparently.
Our president has pissed me off in many ways, over the past 2 1/2 years, but this one takes it over the top.
We also have a fundamentalist, evangelical jesus freak so-called christian right-wing bunch of nutjobs who are WAY more concerned about defunding Planned Parenthood than they are about providing a continuum of pay for our troops and people such as my father who is not only a Korean War vet, but also someone who spent more than 30 years of devotion to Department Of Defense, and is now wasting away in a nursing home with Alzheimers, only one leg left, and may or may not have one iota of a clue what's even going on around him. People like my father were the type who dealt with all the wild ideas from the Cold War era (things that we saw on the old James Bond movies), and the unspoken fears which kept people like him up at night. Their devotion should be more noted, and that's an understatement.
Honestly, I'm tired of both Democrats AND Republicans. But, I'll make it clear that I'm MORE THAN SICK of Republicans being run by the Tea Party. It's more than obvious that if the Tea Party leaders don't get what they want, exactly the way they want it, then our military AND our retired federal employees be damned and they'll settle for anarchy. THAT is what I see, THAT is what I hear and THAT is bullshit! If you're a member of the Tea Party and this is NOT how you think it should be, then I URGE you to reconsider what group you're a part of because they sure as hell DO NOT see eye to eye with you.
A very quick detour that I want to address is this 'birther' nonsense. Here is where I will swat that one down; Don't try and tell me that one black man managed to pull the wool over George W Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, the FBI and the CIA, combined, and managed to make it ALL the way to taking the oath of office to the most important job in this country. I easily call bullshit on that one. Now, back to the point(s).
About taxes being too high, yes....we, as average everyday citizens certainly DO pay too much, and so do small businesses. So, Tea Party, what in the hell are you doing supporting these corporations who not only didn't pay a dime in taxes, but in plenty of cases got a refund on the backs of people like yourselves and your hard earned tax revenues? Isn't this a great deal of what you supposedly are AGAINST? That's what you claimed, when your organization first got started! In fact, you claimed that you were against Democrats AND Republicans. Yet, here you are....holding people like John Boehner by the back of his hair like a bondage bitch, threatening him with his job if he doesn't walk the line, step by step, exactly as you say.
Seriously, what the fuck is up with that??? Last time I checked, slavery is OVER in this country and has been for close enough to 150 years. What part of Emancipation Proclamation don't you grasp?
But make sure of one thing, once again....I WILL NOT let Barack Obama off the hook in the matter of avoiding a shutdown, either. As previously stated, the spineless and thoughtless nutty professor could have EASILY had several executive orders drawn up and READY TO SIGN, in the event of a shutdown, and HE DID NOT DO IT. Not only is that inexcuseable, it's sorry as hell!
I saw an interview of an army wife, this evening. Her husband is in Afghanistan and they have 2 children. One of those children has digestive issues, and the formula for that one child is two hundred fifty dollars a month! Further expenditures would include diapers, food for the other child (and obviously for the mother), clothing, among plenty of other obviously overwhelming bills for a family who makes less than twenty five thousand dollars per year.
So, Democrats, Republicans, Tea Party, and any others I may have left out.....refer to the couple I mentioned, above. Want to try that? Want to step in their shoes and take on all of those responsibilities with the notion of you being slapped in the face by your own government?
How about my mother? At 75 years old, she has to pay a percentage for dad's stay at the nursing home, along with all the gas money to drive about an hour, each direction, to visit him (gas is currently closing in being four dollars a gallon), food, utility bills, clothing, visiting 2 great grandchildren as often as possible (because she deserves the right to do so) but that means just as much in gas because they live the same distance away from her house, but in a different direction from where my father is located, MEGA ETC......
Sit comfy in your easy chairs, people, and be DAMN thankful for those who previously made sacrafices for your ease of life, and for those who may have lost their lives in a foreign land, as you read this, over the same reason....and make DAMN sure that you NEVER salute me, but you make DAMN sure that you ALWAYS respect them!
Got a problem with my words? You know where the unsubscribe button is, and you also know where the delete button is on Facebook. For everyone else, I hope you will understand my rage and anger. This is a disgrace and I can't remember the last time I heard my mother complain. Today, I heard her complain and it made my blood boil. I will not apologize.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Phases, part 38,904
Here we go again; I dare to say that I'm feeling better, that I'm sleeping good for a change, that possibly things are beginning to look up, and BANG! That shit seems to be suddenly without a pulse.
I don't like these phases. All they have done, for probably most of my life, is get in the way of completed thoughts and hopes.
Earlier, I was falling asleep in the recliner. So, what did I do? Like a conditioned adult with a routine, I got up and made the coffee then set the timer for it, turned the television off, turned the light off and went to bed. Within 30 minutes, I was wide awake in bed and tossing around. So, I got back up. Turned this computer back on, turned the light and television back on (background noise, most of the time), and finally remembered that I haven't done a blog post in several days.
So, here I am.....blogging.....and on the verge of falling asleep, yet again. I have flipped channels around, only to be further bored by what's on. I have a slight headache, so no music for tonight. Thoughts running a little too wild, and I hope that doesn't come back with a vengeance.
All in all, I know this will pass. And, as I said a few posts ago, good days wouldn't happen all the time. But seriously....I wish this shit wouldn't come back to bother me to the degree that it does. It seems like I'm becoming more sensitive to these situations when they pop up and I don't like it.
One thing is for certain; If there's anything I'm not useful for, it's the template for another person. I doubt anyone would disagree with that.
This blows. Bad night, bad mood, bad post and I should've waited on doing one. For not waiting, I apologize to everyone. Hopefully, this phase will pass quickly. I can do without it, and I know you all deserve better.
I don't like these phases. All they have done, for probably most of my life, is get in the way of completed thoughts and hopes.
Earlier, I was falling asleep in the recliner. So, what did I do? Like a conditioned adult with a routine, I got up and made the coffee then set the timer for it, turned the television off, turned the light off and went to bed. Within 30 minutes, I was wide awake in bed and tossing around. So, I got back up. Turned this computer back on, turned the light and television back on (background noise, most of the time), and finally remembered that I haven't done a blog post in several days.
So, here I am.....blogging.....and on the verge of falling asleep, yet again. I have flipped channels around, only to be further bored by what's on. I have a slight headache, so no music for tonight. Thoughts running a little too wild, and I hope that doesn't come back with a vengeance.
All in all, I know this will pass. And, as I said a few posts ago, good days wouldn't happen all the time. But seriously....I wish this shit wouldn't come back to bother me to the degree that it does. It seems like I'm becoming more sensitive to these situations when they pop up and I don't like it.
One thing is for certain; If there's anything I'm not useful for, it's the template for another person. I doubt anyone would disagree with that.
This blows. Bad night, bad mood, bad post and I should've waited on doing one. For not waiting, I apologize to everyone. Hopefully, this phase will pass quickly. I can do without it, and I know you all deserve better.
Friday, April 1, 2011
My squeaky wheel of justice
Because it has been more than a week since my partial emotional melt, and because this is a new month, I think it's time to place more of a focus on what positive aspects of my life are still here and what good things may (or may not) be coming my way.
First of all, this is a new season as well as a new month. Spring isn't usually my friend, because of the pollen and what it does to my sinuses (and the migraines are unbelievable). On the other hand, I'm having to borrow a few unwritten lyrics from "The Rose", in order to look at things in a good way. So far, it's trying to work. I'll stick with that, no matter how cheezy it seems.
Perhaps the best thing to happen, throughout all of this transition, is that I have received a very rare sleep pattern back. I can only count on a few fingers how many times I have been able to have a good and complete night of sleep, several nights in a row....and I'm talking good, quality sleep that doesn't involve a handful of pills or booze. Yes, this is actually happening. I don't know how long I will be allowed to keep it, but I will certainly milk it for everything it's worth....and as it stands, it is worth everything to my mental well-being. What do I think put this in motion? The decision to put Jack's favorite shirt on his side of the bed. I can't explain why, but I know from looking back that the good pattern began to form, night by night, only AFTER that shirt was placed right beneath the pillow. Sound crazy? Does it make me crazy? You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to the results of being potentially crazy. I'll gladly take the latter.
New growth, new beginnings. Let's hope that I can find a way to make these things for myself. As for new growth, I'm sure the video I posted is proof that I need some old growth trimmed. Again, I hate that it freaked so many of you out as it did....and I know it did. But, that had to happen. I had thought about it before, and now I'm glad I waited.
There are now days when I'm beginning, VERY SLOWLY, to see what good remains in my life. If old sayings actually apply to life, this is my life's opportunity of "Third time is a charm". I sincerely hope something charming will become of what I'm afraid is, indeed, a third and probably LAST chance in life. I really am afraid that if something good doesn't work out, I'm dead. I can't explain that one either, but I know that out of my entire life, my gut has never (and I mean NEVER) lied to me or proved me wrong. It may not be admissible in a court of law or anywhere else, but it's certainly admissible in my life's experiences. So, send all the good thoughts and vibes you can. I hope there are enough of you pulling for me, because I need all the good that I can get. Honestly, this is pure hell and I'm lucky as I can be to continue pulling through this as I am.
Keeping my sense of humor and wits about me is SO CRUCIAL, right now and probably will always be so. That's fine with me, because I have discovered that I'm more like my father than I realized. Despite what I used to think, I AM a people person.....In a different way, but I truly don't want to be alone. Keeping in touch with others is a good thing for me, and seeing that I'm still able to give others a good laugh and such, I know that I still have somewhat of a workable mind left. I will use what little of it remains, and gladly so.
By myself, in this tiny room with my tiny notebook computer, I have somehow found a way to smile every now and then. This is also incredibly crucial. I definitely can NOT explain that one, but know that it's true. When I have every reason to frown at what all has happened, I have somehow found a way to smile through the excruciating emotional pain....and sometimes physical pain from the nerve damage. I wont lie; Sometimes, just typing is the same as someone sticking a live wire to my left hand and arm. That's the best way I can describe it. In fact, it's trying to head that way now. But, I'm determined to smile through it because this blog post is important enough to me to do it.
I have me and that's all I've got. As much as I value the friendship of everyone in my life, and certainly as much as I value the interest of all you readers in various places throughout the world (BLESS YOU ALL!!), it's time that I rely on myself to produce the results I'm seeking to achieve. I know I can do it, but sometimes the weight slams me down. As hard as it often is to get back up, I have got to do it every single time. If I fail to get up so much as one time, that could throw everything positive in reverse and I'll admit that I'm scared of that happening. I don't want it, and I would prefer not to find out what could happen because of how many times I found out in the past what can happen. It's time for me to get things in gear, but I need to put some kind of plan together.
I have nothing but time and I can take my time. Yes, and it's high time I used it wisely. Not a common trait in my life, but I do have the opportunity to change that way of thinking and doing.
Granted, every day will NOT produce this kind of attitude. I also know that I wont feel like this every day. But on the days when I do, I need to take full advantage of it. Knowing that I have at least tried to make a good difference since Jack's passing has already made a difference. Now, I need to continue acting on the good that has happened. I will do as much of it as possible.
I'm going to go ahead and post this, then come back and edit the poor grammar, etc, later on. Right now, I don't give a shit about misspellings, incomplete thoughts and/or sentences or anything else. Good is good and I'm not about to complain.
Everyone have an outstanding day! Peace and love to all from Paul. I'm still here!
P.S. 815 blog views ON SITE at the end of March 31, 2 months and 3 days after it all began and that does not include readings from those who are receiving this blog via email. I could not have possibly imagined this blog to be any form of success, but I'm elated by the interest from everyone. Love you all!!!
First of all, this is a new season as well as a new month. Spring isn't usually my friend, because of the pollen and what it does to my sinuses (and the migraines are unbelievable). On the other hand, I'm having to borrow a few unwritten lyrics from "The Rose", in order to look at things in a good way. So far, it's trying to work. I'll stick with that, no matter how cheezy it seems.
Perhaps the best thing to happen, throughout all of this transition, is that I have received a very rare sleep pattern back. I can only count on a few fingers how many times I have been able to have a good and complete night of sleep, several nights in a row....and I'm talking good, quality sleep that doesn't involve a handful of pills or booze. Yes, this is actually happening. I don't know how long I will be allowed to keep it, but I will certainly milk it for everything it's worth....and as it stands, it is worth everything to my mental well-being. What do I think put this in motion? The decision to put Jack's favorite shirt on his side of the bed. I can't explain why, but I know from looking back that the good pattern began to form, night by night, only AFTER that shirt was placed right beneath the pillow. Sound crazy? Does it make me crazy? You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to the results of being potentially crazy. I'll gladly take the latter.
New growth, new beginnings. Let's hope that I can find a way to make these things for myself. As for new growth, I'm sure the video I posted is proof that I need some old growth trimmed. Again, I hate that it freaked so many of you out as it did....and I know it did. But, that had to happen. I had thought about it before, and now I'm glad I waited.
There are now days when I'm beginning, VERY SLOWLY, to see what good remains in my life. If old sayings actually apply to life, this is my life's opportunity of "Third time is a charm". I sincerely hope something charming will become of what I'm afraid is, indeed, a third and probably LAST chance in life. I really am afraid that if something good doesn't work out, I'm dead. I can't explain that one either, but I know that out of my entire life, my gut has never (and I mean NEVER) lied to me or proved me wrong. It may not be admissible in a court of law or anywhere else, but it's certainly admissible in my life's experiences. So, send all the good thoughts and vibes you can. I hope there are enough of you pulling for me, because I need all the good that I can get. Honestly, this is pure hell and I'm lucky as I can be to continue pulling through this as I am.
Keeping my sense of humor and wits about me is SO CRUCIAL, right now and probably will always be so. That's fine with me, because I have discovered that I'm more like my father than I realized. Despite what I used to think, I AM a people person.....In a different way, but I truly don't want to be alone. Keeping in touch with others is a good thing for me, and seeing that I'm still able to give others a good laugh and such, I know that I still have somewhat of a workable mind left. I will use what little of it remains, and gladly so.
By myself, in this tiny room with my tiny notebook computer, I have somehow found a way to smile every now and then. This is also incredibly crucial. I definitely can NOT explain that one, but know that it's true. When I have every reason to frown at what all has happened, I have somehow found a way to smile through the excruciating emotional pain....and sometimes physical pain from the nerve damage. I wont lie; Sometimes, just typing is the same as someone sticking a live wire to my left hand and arm. That's the best way I can describe it. In fact, it's trying to head that way now. But, I'm determined to smile through it because this blog post is important enough to me to do it.
I have me and that's all I've got. As much as I value the friendship of everyone in my life, and certainly as much as I value the interest of all you readers in various places throughout the world (BLESS YOU ALL!!), it's time that I rely on myself to produce the results I'm seeking to achieve. I know I can do it, but sometimes the weight slams me down. As hard as it often is to get back up, I have got to do it every single time. If I fail to get up so much as one time, that could throw everything positive in reverse and I'll admit that I'm scared of that happening. I don't want it, and I would prefer not to find out what could happen because of how many times I found out in the past what can happen. It's time for me to get things in gear, but I need to put some kind of plan together.
I have nothing but time and I can take my time. Yes, and it's high time I used it wisely. Not a common trait in my life, but I do have the opportunity to change that way of thinking and doing.
Granted, every day will NOT produce this kind of attitude. I also know that I wont feel like this every day. But on the days when I do, I need to take full advantage of it. Knowing that I have at least tried to make a good difference since Jack's passing has already made a difference. Now, I need to continue acting on the good that has happened. I will do as much of it as possible.
I'm going to go ahead and post this, then come back and edit the poor grammar, etc, later on. Right now, I don't give a shit about misspellings, incomplete thoughts and/or sentences or anything else. Good is good and I'm not about to complain.
Everyone have an outstanding day! Peace and love to all from Paul. I'm still here!
P.S. 815 blog views ON SITE at the end of March 31, 2 months and 3 days after it all began and that does not include readings from those who are receiving this blog via email. I could not have possibly imagined this blog to be any form of success, but I'm elated by the interest from everyone. Love you all!!!
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