My squeaky wheel of justice

Because it has been more than a week since my partial emotional melt, and because this is a new month, I think it's time to place more of a focus on what positive aspects of my life are still here and what good things may (or may not) be coming my way.
First of all, this is a new season as well as a new month. Spring isn't usually my friend, because of the pollen and what it does to my sinuses (and the migraines are unbelievable). On the other hand, I'm having to borrow a few unwritten lyrics from "The Rose", in order to look at things in a good way. So far, it's trying to work. I'll stick with that, no matter how cheezy it seems.
Perhaps the best thing to happen, throughout all of this transition, is that I have received a very rare sleep pattern back. I can only count on a few fingers how many times I have been able to have a good and complete night of sleep, several nights in a row....and I'm talking good, quality sleep that doesn't involve a handful of pills or booze. Yes, this is actually happening. I don't know how long I will be allowed to keep it, but I will certainly milk it for everything it's worth....and as it stands, it is worth everything to my mental well-being. What do I think put this in motion? The decision to put Jack's favorite shirt on his side of the bed. I can't explain why, but I know from looking back that the good pattern began to form, night by night, only AFTER that shirt was placed right beneath the pillow. Sound crazy? Does it make me crazy? You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to the results of being potentially crazy. I'll gladly take the latter.
New growth, new beginnings. Let's hope that I can find a way to make these things for myself. As for new growth, I'm sure the video I posted is proof that I need some old growth trimmed. Again, I hate that it freaked so many of you out as it did....and I know it did. But, that had to happen. I had thought about it before, and now I'm glad I waited.
There are now days when I'm beginning, VERY SLOWLY, to see what good remains in my life. If old sayings actually apply to life, this is my life's opportunity of "Third time is a charm". I sincerely hope something charming will become of what I'm afraid is, indeed, a third and probably LAST chance in life. I really am afraid that if something good doesn't work out, I'm dead. I can't explain that one either, but I know that out of my entire life, my gut has never (and I mean NEVER) lied to me or proved me wrong. It may not be admissible in a court of law or anywhere else, but it's certainly admissible in my life's experiences. So, send all the good thoughts and vibes you can. I hope there are enough of you pulling for me, because I need all the good that I can get. Honestly, this is pure hell and I'm lucky as I can be to continue pulling through this as I am.
Keeping my sense of humor and wits about me is SO CRUCIAL, right now and probably will always be so. That's fine with me, because I have discovered that I'm more like my father than I realized. Despite what I used to think, I AM a people person.....In a different way, but I truly don't want to be alone. Keeping in touch with others is a good thing for me, and seeing that I'm still able to give others a good laugh and such, I know that I still have somewhat of a workable mind left. I will use what little of it remains, and gladly so.
By myself, in this tiny room with my tiny notebook computer, I have somehow found a way to smile every now and then. This is also incredibly crucial. I definitely can NOT explain that one, but know that it's true. When I have every reason to frown at what all has happened, I have somehow found a way to smile through the excruciating emotional pain....and sometimes physical pain from the nerve damage. I wont lie; Sometimes, just typing is the same as someone sticking a live wire to my left hand and arm. That's the best way I can describe it. In fact, it's trying to head that way now. But, I'm determined to smile through it because this blog post is important enough to me to do it.
I have me and that's all I've got. As much as I value the friendship of everyone in my life, and certainly as much as I value the interest of all you readers in various places throughout the world (BLESS YOU ALL!!), it's time that I rely on myself to produce the results I'm seeking to achieve. I know I can do it, but sometimes the weight slams me down. As hard as it often is to get back up, I have got to do it every single time. If I fail to get up so much as one time, that could throw everything positive in reverse and I'll admit that I'm scared of that happening. I don't want it, and I would prefer not to find out what could happen because of how many times I found out in the past what can happen. It's time for me to get things in gear, but I need to put some kind of plan together.
I have nothing but time and I can take my time. Yes, and it's high time I used it wisely. Not a common trait in my life, but I do have the opportunity to change that way of thinking and doing.
Granted, every day will NOT produce this kind of attitude. I also know that I wont feel like this every day. But on the days when I do, I need to take full advantage of it. Knowing that I have at least tried to make a good difference since Jack's passing has already made a difference. Now, I need to continue acting on the good that has happened. I will do as much of it as possible.
I'm going to go ahead and post this, then come back and edit the poor grammar, etc, later on. Right now, I don't give a shit about misspellings, incomplete thoughts and/or sentences or anything else. Good is good and I'm not about to complain.
Everyone have an outstanding day! Peace and love to all from Paul. I'm still here!

P.S. 815 blog views ON SITE at the end of March 31, 2 months and 3 days after it all began and that does not include readings from those who are receiving this blog via email. I could not have possibly imagined this blog to be any form of success, but I'm elated by the interest from everyone. Love you all!!!