Quite a number of years ago, I made a conscious decision to turn my life around which compelled me to stop lying, cheating and stealing....not that I stole very much to begin with and I didn't. Childish prank stuff, at the most and even that was too much. I was young and stupid. I got over it and moved on.
So, I made those changes in my life and hoped for the best in the years to come. Fate repaid me with the best man I could have ever asked for and we made the best of what life gave us for close enough to 16 years. That, apparently, was my reward for choosing to live.
Now that the reward for choosing to live is over with, I will do my best to be happy with what I had, instead of always longing for what I didn't. I'm alright with that, because of all the good memories that I have mentioned, and even more that I either haven't as of yet, or never will. Time will tell what I decide to tell, in the future.
As for no longer lying, cheating and stealing, I'm still wondering what will happen on those. One thing I noticed a LONG time ago is how people who still do all of those things, apologize for nothing and sleep like a baby don't deserve much of anything from anyone, but still receive plenty.
How is it that the average person who lies, cheats and steals is apparently worthy of receiving a bounty, when some of us who decided to stop all of that receive very little, and sometimes get completely screwed by life, instead? What, exactly, is it about our society that rewards people who do shitty things to others? How is it right that some of us who decide to do the right thing, for the rest of our lives, get a side order of middle finger to go with our entree or being dealt a shitty hand, time after time after time?
Notice I said nothing about whether or not life is fair because I KNOW it's not and believe me, I know all too well the number of ways that it's not. But, life's little playing field could at least be levelled a little better....just a bit, don't you think? Or have I completely lost my mind?
I don't understand the balance to life and the rewards, therein.
(**The following is NOT a political rant, I don't care what you think)-There was a time when people could graduate high school, go straight to the nearest factory and get a GOOD paying job with GOOD benefits, all which could sustain a family, a home, a few cars, yearly vacation, and even put a few kids through college in the process. There was also a time when someone could take the extra time to go through 2 years of college (not 4 or 6, but 2) and then go to the nearest corporation, give their 'song and dance' during an interview, be hired on trust (yet on a probationary period) and trained into a great employee with an outstanding career to boot. Jack was one of them.
Little by little, year by year and decade by decade, our world has been reduced to a place where the super special (whether it's getting several college degrees by whatever means, or by lying, cheating and stealing...sometimes all of the aforementioned) are usually the only ones who get ahead in this world....and it sickens me to no end. No longer does it seem to matter that there are law abiding citizens who simply want a decent job and to be left alone to live a 'normal' life with a home, a couple of cars, a couple of kids (or not), a yearly vacation and a modest retirement. For some of us, who are disabled and no one will hire us, all we want is just a safe place to live.
It appears that these days, if someone doesn't have some kind of very special 'It Factor', then that person can kiss any chance of a decent life with a decent living goodbye. There are some cases when, even if someone DOES have an 'It Factor', that a chance at bat is no longer in the cards and I resent it.
All of my life, I have been told by one person or another, in one form or another, that I supposedly have some kind of 'It Factor'. I used that to my advantage at a relatively young age and was rewarded for it. But, now that I'm ready to use even more of that supposed 'It Factor' as a middle-aged man (Oh, how dare I be so), suddenly no one is impressed. Hey! I'm still here! I'm still using that 'It Factor' which I was told I have got, and am using even more of it, now! And while I don't expect handouts from anyone, where is at least a decent home for me, my 4-legged child and my estate?
I looked at more than 20 homes and received nothing but lies and deception all the way down to places being advertised as 'ready to move in' when plenty of them still had bare, unfinished sub-floor wood (sometimes pressboard) on the floors. Now, I have looked at plenty of apartments (which I hate with a passion) only to be told that the account balance is great, but I apparently don't make enough to fit their guidelines....even though I agreed to pay all 12 months of rent on a 12 month lease BEFORE moving in!
Have I missed something, here? If so, would someone email me and at least tell me the truth about what it is that I have apparently missed?
In just a few more hours, the rest of my belongings which I could longer pack (because the nerve damage has become that much worse, and I completely snapped) will be getting packed by professionals and it's going to cost me, dearly. Within a day or two, if I can't find a place of my own, everything will have to be put in storage units that will cost as much as a monthly rent price, possibly more.
How dare us single and lowly widows not smack the beneficiary lotto wide open upon the loss of our better halfs, because that means we apparently were not responsible with our lives in some way, shape or form along the way through life....or at least that's the way it feels.
Once again, and in yet another way, this freak has gained even more unworthiness and this time, it could mean that I get to either spend time renting a hotel room weekly, or go roaming from one friend's house to another...if I can't find anyone who wants to throw incredibly stupid guidelines aside and take the damn money I have offered to cover every single day of my lease and what the hell is up with that?
This is not the only facet of 'reward' for all I have done to the good (that pesky thing about choosing not to lie, cheat or steal), but certainly the one that is directly in my face at the current time.
On the last day to myself, in this home, I should have been allowed to sit quietly with a set of keys on the coffee table (for a new place to live), possibly a drink in hand, and quietly reflect on all the good that took place in this home. I think I earned the right to have been allowed those very few things without further worry and loss of sleep. Apparently, the world has changed and I made the mistake of not going back to lying, cheating and stealing again. How dare I live an honest life! The NERVE of me!
Me being honest has now cost me security, big time, and I can't live in or eat this blog.
I don't like the direction that this world is headed towards, because it's obvious to me just by looking around that most of those who lie, cheat and steal are the ones who are rewarded the best. While I think that's complete bullshit, I'm not going to go back to those ways just to have comforts in my life. If being honest with myself and others means that I end up with a trailer in the middle of nowhere, then so be it. At least I'll be able to sleep with a clear conscience and know that upon obtaining said trailer in the middle of nowhere, at least I earned it honestly and without screwing others in the process.
I will not apologize for this post because I said from the beginning that I will not lie, and that my posts may sometimes be hard to take. If this means little to you, then I question why you're still reading anything I post. But if it DOES mean something to you, take a good look around and see what's REALLY going on in this world. Instead of asking whether or not it's fair, ask yourself what you can do to make the world a better place for others (aka Paying It Forward). I did it, and I'm still doing it, but I can't do it alone and expect results.
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