I decided, for the first time since I blogged about it before, to trot over to the land of the worthy widows and see if all the lenses are still as rosey. As expected, no. Well gee; I wonder why, when the biggest concern from the last time was 1 of 2 sinks on the double lavatory in the bathroom. I don't think that counts as grief, but then again, I'm an unworthy freak so what do I know?
Here's what I know: This one person I speak of has been dealing with 1 step forward and about 3-5 steps back for 18 months. While this person still has all my heartfelt sympathy in the world, all I can say about this latest one is "Dude, come...ON!!" 18 months and you're still stuck here?? Really?
Yes, this sux. Yes, it gets incredibly lonely and yes, it's painful trying to put on a smile, even for ourselves and sometimes for no more than a minute at a time. BUT, he gets to work (no one will hire me in public and all the stay at home mommies who don't need the money get the computer jobs, it is the south), he has signed up for all kinds of support groups (I now know why my mother didn't do it. Thank you, mom! Not going there has worked for me, too!), he doesn't have to move anytime soon, but he also did one thing which I think is quite shitty:
He resorted to his ethnicity as a young child and used that to try relating to what he's going through, now. Sorry, but that's comparing apples to broccoli. Time to get real, or at least figure out how full of bullshit that comparison is and remove it when true reality sets in.
It's impossible for me to grieve for anyone other than myself and I'm certainly no expert on it. March 9 will only be 3 months of having supposedly grieved. I also didn't forget what happened about a week ago to me, in my basement (and I'm still not sure I have fully recovered from that one, mentally). What I DO know is that this world is not going to grow any warmer. It will be the other way around, because the majority of people in this world don't give a shit about this guy, or me, or what we're dealing with at home. Therefore, it's up to us as individuals (Not a support group) to at least try getting ourselves on track as well as possible.
This next part, however, does concern me a bit and keep in mind, I don't even know this guy:
(I'm now doing what I told myself I wouldn't do) He says, "One of the things I really long for is friendships, relationships, with other men."
First of all, (insert name), you have to BE a friend in order to HAVE friends and I'm talking REAL ones. Second, why only men as friends? Why is it such a bad thing to have female friends? If I didn't have female friends, I would probably go nuts and not be able to place myself in check anywhere near as much (but that's just me). As for relationships.....I would say that the simple thing to try, if it's that necessary, is simple dating and nothing else. If it becomes a situation of friends with benefits, so be it. Just think things through a little better. Hell....you're almost making ME feel sorry for you, (insert name), and my situation is 15 months newer than yours!
I say go! Do! See! Eat! Drink! Screw! Smoke! Whatever the hell! Just do it, already!
If Jack knew I was doing nothing for myself but becoming stagnant with each passing day, he would find a way to smack me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper....and in my opinion, I would deserve it.
I should know better than to even think of trying to micromanage anyone else's life and/or situations, whatsoever. But, there comes a time when you MUST use the misadventures of someone else in order to take a good look into your own world, truly examine it without going crazy, and determine that for the rest of your life it's not about survival of the fittest. Instead, it's about who is willing to accept change and adapt, accordingly.
For whatever reason, this is the hand we were dealt. For the life of us, we MUST be willing to grow and accept certain things. Without that willingness, we can forget moving forward.
If I'm wrong, PLEASE somebody tell me and I'm begging everyone to consider it. Again, I'm only appx 3 months into my own little 'private hell', so I certainly could be wrong about everything I've written. But, writing and thinking (and my 4-legged child providing good lovins and even greater laughs) has been a very big help to me. It seems that I allowed this supposed (I use this word reluctantly) 'gift' of writing to sit dormant for too long. But, I now see that I'm living out a scenario of 'Better late than never'. With that, I'll figure out a way to make it in this world and believe me when I say that it can be an incredibly lonely one. However, this journey begins with us somehow finding a friend within ourselves and going from there. Happiness, love, passion, conviction, even a few pointers on life here and there should first come from within.
I have kept so many things bottled up inside of me for so many years, I'm lucky I haven't already died one hell of a lonely and miserable man (and a few of you who know me very well were probably wondering how that didn't happen YEARS ago).
Live and learn, grow and prosper, develop and expose. This is my picture and I'm displaying it the best way I know how. For the time being, that's the best I can do and I strongly doubt anyone can ask for, let alone expect anything more from me.....yet they receive more every day (Not as much since a week ago when I flipped out in the basement, and I realize this). As a dear friend put it a while back, I'm generous to a fault. Yes, that's true and it's all I've ever known.
I'm doing my damndest. I will continue to give life my best shot without overdoing it (which could easily happen). I'm more than thankful for the friends I have. And, I will let my friends know that if something is on the verge of going very wrong, I WILL reach out to someone until the problem is as corrected as possible.
I'm here. I'm alive. I have only 2 choices which I said on blog number 1: swim or sink. I will not sink.
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