I compared that photo to one which was taken about a year or so prior, and it looks like I aged about 10 years. I was floored and still am. Unfortunately, I'm now carrying a little more fear than I did before viewing that photo.
In the trenches of becoming a widow, and remembering all too well what happened with my mind when dad's Alzheimers took him down to where he ended up in a nursing home (and still is), it's a wonder I'm still functioning at all. Were it not for my medication.....I'm not going to finish that sentence as originally planned.
As stated on the first post: I'm not suicidal. So, don't even think that. Yes, I'm dealing with a heavy burden while heavy hearted, and I honestly don't know what is going to happen in the next couple of weeks. But again, I will find a way to deal with it because I have no other choice, unless I want to end up homeless and watch an estate end up on the side of the road for everyone to snatch and grab....and that's not gonna happen.
I 'shared' the emailed photo on Facebook and while I'm thankful for the reception it received, I would probably feel worse had I kept it to myself. It's the look in my eyes.
That look is saying, "Mom, do you have any idea what this is doing to me?" It didn't take long for me to recall how I felt at the moment.
My niece was also there (all of 17, at the time), and I was trying very hard to keep my emotions to myself. That was no easy task.
Perhaps the best gift I received from Jack, other than being in my life for 16 years, was learning how to better speak with my eyes. My mouth can often get me in trouble, and most of the time I don't care that it does. I have never met anyone, not in real life, on television, movies, or anywhere else whose eyes spoke the way his did. I'm glad I learned it (though my ability will never touch his), but right now it's seeming like a curse. I wish I could offer an explanation of why that's the case, but my eyes are saying everything my mind can't.....if that makes any sense. If not, don't worry. You're not alone when it comes to barely understanding me.
The eyes are not just the mirror to your soul. They are a purifying view to your heart, often a glimpse into the pit of your stomach, and often the easiest way to tell if you're lying. 'Poker face' all you want, but if someone is any good at reading faces, you wont be able to lie your way out of what your eyes are often screaming and that is that. Even glasses and/or contacts wont cover it up.
I guess it's yet another way of letting us know that regardless of how hard we may try, there is no escaping what is the whole truth.
I'm fairly sure plenty of you can literally feel when someone is looking straight at you or straight through you. I know for a fact when someone is doing it to me. This is not paranoia. This is real. I have been able to sense it for quite a long time and it used to bother me. Not so much now, but still a bit discomforting. Just depends on the mood.
Below is the photo I received. If you can't see what I'm talking about (my eyes), click on it and try looking at it until you do. I promise, it's there. I wish I hadn't seen this one because all I see is pain and stress.
Next post will be better. Just needed to get this off my chest and off my mind, if that's even possible. I hope the rest of the week doesn't go like this. Good day.
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