For all the years that I had my life together and was happy, healthy and mobile, I visited family and friends as often as possible. I did it because I wanted to and because I love them dearly. Birthdays and holidays would come around and there I would be with a smile, good laughs, gifts and was wished endless happy returns on the way out.
Then, over the course of several years, Jack being sick finally compelled me to stop and think maybe I was putting his own safety at risk by being so willing to take off for family visits and often leaving him here. Sometimes, he simply didn't feel like going. That should've been enough of a sign for me, but I was still in the mindset of trying to please everyone as much as possible, all the way around.
When you suddenly begin slacking off from what becomes the norm, people (especially family) begin to flip out and on come the strange questions which can often range from genuine concern to being rude as hell. The questions did begin as genuine concern, and I did my best to tell them all what was happening. But, since I was always there within a few hours and with lots of fun to be had at the ready, my answers were obviously not accepted.
So, the genuine concern grew, a little at a time, toward being small shots of inuendo and other 'fill in the blank' shortcuts to a thought which should've never happened. By March of last year, everything hit a brick wall. One member didn't like the fact that I couldn't verbalize what all was going on (Jack began telling me to stop using him as an excuse....he was NOT an excuse, he was the damn REASON for not going to visit). That member decided to take my words, manipulate them to fit an agenda, fed them to another, and so on.
By the time I called my own mother, I wasn't listened to and she eventually hung up on me right in the middle of talking. I wasn't babbling on about anything.
I was trying to reason and hope for a little dignity and understanding. But, that's not always possible. They didn't live here and therefore didn't see what all I did, certainly didn't do all that I did, and I had also been accused of stopping everyone from coming up here....and I'll mince no words when I say that's a god damn lie!
But I have a rule: Hang up on me and it will be a VERY long time before we talk again, if ever. The family is incredibly lucky I called them at all, when Jack passed. But, I took that chance several days after his passing and called. While the conversation was a bit on the frigid side, we were both relieved to hear each other's voices after 9 months of complete silence.
I'm glad the relationship has mended, but I'm still left with this question: Why is a death required for others to get through their heads that everyone else's lives are just as serious as theirs? Is it always this difficult to figure out? If so, that's truly sad.
In the meantime, I had a very long conversation with mom this week and the whole truth about everything (which was allowed to be her business) has finally sunk in. How did I get that word to spread to a few others? Simple....I just said, "This needs to stay between us.", which ensured an almost immediate call to other family members and they were quickly filled in. Sorry, mom. Can't play a former player...not when I've been around the block just as much as you and in so many other (and more) ways. But hey- At least now, everyone gets that I wasn't lying to anyone a single time throughout all of your guesses and conclusion jumping, etc.
I don't believe in telling mothers who are still raising children how to raise them. With that in mind, I have this:
Mothers, PLEASE hear your kids out. At least TRY and give them the benefit of a doubt, even if you think they didn't earn it. You never know what all is going through their minds, what all hardships they may be enduring that you have no clue about, and sometime in our lives, this chain of mistrust really needs to be broken.
Granted, I know that trust is earned. I didn't forget that. But, there is a degree of trust which should still be left in place, should YOU be the one who is wrong and the kid is simply too afraid to speak out. I ask (I don't tell, but I ask) of you not to browbeat them unless it's a last resort because when you do that, you push them away and each time you do it, you'll keep pushing them that much further from you and they will go out of their way to trust someone else, instead of coming to you. After a certain point, it will take years for the relationship to heal.
Most of this is preventable. All it takes is being willing to listen; Don't just hear them, but listen. It makes all the difference. Again, I'm not telling anyone how to raise their kids. However, I am giving a stern warning of what can (and possibly will) happen if the path of not learning from the mistakes of my family isn't chosen. It's there for the taking. All you have to do is think it through. Speaking from the hip usually causes nothing but trouble.
Anyway, my family finally gets what has gone on in my life and in this house for so many years. Had any of them bothered to truly listen, they would've known all along. I think this same lesson can be applied to mankind, altogether, but that's just me.
Please....LISTEN. Don't let time get away from you, because it's ticking....
No comments:
Post a Comment