Intoxicants and the relations

It's important for me to say this: In a former life, I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. I have done some incredibly stupid things in my time, but I'd say I earned the right to drink up, to hook up with someone who cranked me half stupid as well as vice versa, and barely scratch the surface of all the aforementioned. If you feel otherwise, this post is not for you.
Folks, I am beyond sick to my stomach from the loss of someone I will never be able to replace. I am sick of feeling so lonely that I can't put it to words, and I am sick from the lack of being able to express myself without some form of Rx or alcohol but c'est la vie, I guess. AND, I am sick of living with the thought that over the next couple of weeks, I had better have my act together on finding another place or suffer SEVERE consequences. But I'm a big boy, and I'll deal with it. As I previously stated, it's either swim or sink....and I already know how it feels to sink. I'll be damned if I ever go there again.
When it comes to the loss of Jack, isn't this one obvious enough? Surely, no one who reads this would need me to actually spell it out for them. But rather than to say "You're shit outta luck", I'll put it in short terms: I put the ashes of my better half ALL the way in the ground, with my own 2 hands, with a straight face, not one tear, and his entire family was choking out. Unfortunately, situations were in the shape of a 'perfect storm' to where none of my family members were there....you read it correctly. Not so much as ONE of my family members was there for me, when Jack and I were there for so many deaths and funerals of so many of my OWN family members. Am I pissed? You fucking BET I am and let's hope that same 'perfect storm' doesn't happen where I'd have to miss an in-law's funeral, were something to happen to either of them. Will I always be upset about it? Probably so....wouldn't you be?
Re: Loneliness... I do have an account which has nothing to do with Craigslist (give me SOME credit, here), and someone came along who matched everything I was looking for in one person. Was it everything I hoped for? No. In fact, it was more. Do I regret it? Are you crazy???
If married women can have their 'surprise parties' with B.O.B. in a brown paper bag, I can certainly (as a widower) be more than picky about exactly who I'm looking for, how I wanted him to look, how I wanted him to be, and the encounter was....wow, and I mean damn!! Good enough? If not, too bad. Righteous intervention, he was and sure as hell will be again, ASAP. Bet on it!!
As for not being able to express myself good enough without some form of prescription (which I do legally take), or alcohol in my system: Folks, I really don't know what to say about this one, except you would need to walk a few steps in these shoes in order to get it. My mind is obviously locked up in some form of numbness, does not know how to grieve like average people do (I think I already covered that, or did I?), and after a few intoxicants, suddenly everything begins flying out. This DID occur with some of the best writers and/or artists on record....and I am barely a speck on a mote in comparison to them. But, feel free to look up the intoxicants associated with Shakespeare, Poe, Warhol, Joplin, Hendrix, Dylan, Morrison and the like. You will see that it's an unfortunate double-edged sword that we didn't wish for, and a ball & chain we live with. Do I want it to be this way? Of course not.
Now, probably the most important part of all......where will I go from here. Folks, I really don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to move back to the area where I was raised. There are more than enough who will never have a problem with it, but for me it simply isn't so. I wish it were not the case. But unless something drastic were to happen, I just don't want it. In fact....if I can't afford to move back to California (I promise that I cannot), I would prefer just to stick it out somewhere close to my current location.
But.....I would love for people to come and visit when they are able. For those who know me enough, it would mean more than you'll ever know, and that's an understatement. For those who haven't, my door is open. Prepare to be entertained, and I sincerely mean that without an ounce of sarcasm.
My intoxicants are calling. I will not apologize for what must be (nor would I expect any of you to do it either, were the shoe on the other foot), so I'm going to continue picking up where I left off before making this detour.
Love you all, mean it more than you'll ever know, and I mean every single one of you!